Eurovision 2012: Best of

And now for something completely different: the Eurovision Song Contest.

Best Legs

Third place: Ivi Adamou, Cyprus

Second place: Elena Ionescu, Romania

Winner: Eleftheria Eleftheriou, Greece

Honorable mention, Best Legs and winner, Ivan Drago Award for Best Totalitarian Calisthenics and Best Kylie:

Anggun, France

Winner, Rambo Amadeus Award for Best Fake Song and Most Awesome Name:

Rambo Amadeus, Montenegro

Winner, Best Poledancers:

Trackshittaz, Austria

Winner, Best Winehouse, honorable mention, Best Vocal and third place, Best Song:

Nina Zilli, Italy

Second place, Best Vocal and winner, Best Electric Cello and Best Nightfish:

Kaliopi, Macedonia

Winner, Bennett Memorial "You Don't Need the Girl" Award for Best Gay Performance, Best Backup Dancers, Der Beste Seemann Award for Most Homosexual Nautical Performance and Best Pantomime Ship:

Can Bonomo, Turkey

2012 Official Motto: Can Bonomo, Will Bonomo.

Second place for Best Song, winner of Best Miley, Best Hendrix Uniform Jacket, Best Hat, Best Drummer and Best Epaulettes, and thereby winner of the Most Awards Won Award for Most Awards Won:

Soluna Samay, Denmark



Winner, Best Water Feature:

Jedward, Ireland

Winner, Best Oven and Closest Thing to a TARDIS Award:

Buranovskiye Babushki, Russia

Second place, Best Backup Dancers and winner, How Looks My Trumpet Award for Best Oblique Penis Reference:

Pasha Parfeny, Moldova

Winner, Best Lordi:

Mr. Lordi, Finland

Winner, Best Song:

Ott Lepland, Estonia

Honorable mention, Best Song:

Željko Joksimović, Serbia

Honorable mention, Best Song and winner, Best Vocal, Best Hair and Best Science Fiction Villain Outfit:

Rona Nishliu, Albania

**

Best Song is the only category that really matters. The winner and two honorable mentions are, in my opinion, everything a Eurovision Song Contest winner should be: powerful, moving performances in the country's native language. Estonia got my vote this year. The second and third place songs are cracking good pop songs, and if one of those wins, I'm certainly not going to complain. After all, my favorite Eurovision winner of all time is Lena's Satellite. Frankly, I think the Italian version of Ms. Zilli's song was better than the mostly English one she sang, and in general I feel that countries should compete in a language actually spoken within their borders. Of those, I thought the Estonian entry was best.

In general, I feel the Eurovision Song Contest should reward either intelligent contemporary pop or a powerful song in a country's own language. What it certainly should not do is reward countries that resurrect the most vile, impersonal and inauthentic nineties Eurotrash techno and package it into a soulless and unoriginal piece of solid musical crud that no sensible person should have been caught dead listening to in 1992, let alone in 2012.

Alas.